I am

I am the following things.

I am tired, yet restless.

I am working in exactly 9 hours from when I started typing this sentence.

I am eating too much, and cycling too little.

I am someone who buys a pound of bacon, eats half of it, and forgets the rest in the back of the fridge, only to buy another pound of bacon and repeat this process.

I am going to do laundry tomorrow if it kills me.

I am going to Boston in a few days, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I'm there.

I am not looking for another job, but should be looking for another car and apartment.

I am the guy who sat behind you in grade 11 math class, who you didn't notice, but remembers when you got your hair cut before prom.

I am still trying to make that last sentence into a decent poem. It's been almost 6 years now.

I am not going to buy an XBox 360, despite my friends' best efforts.

I am more comfortable in dress shirts and sweaters than I am in t-shirts.

I am Sizzlak, Kalzzis, Minnietaur, and others.

I am dealing with a sense of dread and regret whenever I drink too much.

I am anxious to return to Europe in the near future.

I am destined to be a footnote to those around me.

I am jealous that my sister is in Egypt, and that I'm stuck here holding down a steady job.

I am unable to bend my right wrist as far back as my left one since I used to to break my fall over a month ago.

I am able to go an entire day without speaking aloud to anyone.

I am 31 years old, but I live like a 21 year old, and the worries of a 51 year old.

I am eternally grateful for my friends. All of them. Even the ones that I don't see, or hear from on a regular basis, or who live in different cities, coasts, countries, or continents.

I am somehow getting worse at hockey than I was earlier in the season.

I am extremely particular about the clothes I wear, especially sweaters: no fitted cuffs, no fitted bottoms, no V-necks, no wide/scoop necks, no patterns aside from stripes.

I am saddened that I left my education behind me.

I am wishing I went to the drug store this afternoon.

I am unable to drive a standard, change a tire, or fix my damn windshield wipers.

I am dusty and rusty, and living in a state of suspended animation in my apartment.

I am going to try to post on this blog more often.

I am -- no, really, I am!

I am uneasy at saying "No" to people, situations, or opinions.

I am amazed at how Owen looks like a generic Gillespie -- or will, as soon as his hair comes in fully.

I am queasy when I finish a sentence with a preposition.

I am more cultured than most people would know.

I am often embarassed about my behaviour.

I am going to sleep now, because I want to wake up early, eat pastries, and get to work on time.

The joy and trouble of division

Learning long-form division in school confused me.

Take something, and divide it equally. If it doesn't fit the prescribed amount wanted, it's a remainder. "But," I argued, "why can't the remainder be shared?"

"It's not enough, so it's a remainder."

I later learned about decimals, which cleared my conscience.

I've gone on record many, many times saying that I don't like math... but there is a certain poetry to the terminology used.

In real life, there are many remainders that can't be expressed as numbers.

Travelogue: Paris

The highlight of Vacation '07 was obviously my first sojourn to Paris.

Having been planned for over three months, and meticulously scheduled by my partner-in-rhyme K-, my first European visit involved: numerous medieval churches; ancient artifacts in museums; dizzying heights of high fashion; about 50 km of walking; an uncountable number of pastries (specifically chaussons aux pommes); only two glasses of wine; 580 pictures, of which I may be happy with 100; solving the mystery of The Code; late-night trips up a winding staircase to use the WC; and sightings of a mime, a marionette, a beret, numerous baguettes, and une bicyclette avec une panier.

Photographic evidence can be found here, broken into easily-identifiable sites and events.

If anyone has any suggestions on a program that allows me to comment on photos in galleries, let me know, since I know, sadly, that I will confuse at least half of the church pictures very soon.

Family, Friends, and Folding

Vacation '07, day 2.

I don't spend nearly enough time with my family.

When I do, it is usually for a purpose. Either their computer isn't working (as is the case today), or I have laundry to do (as is the case today), or they want to go out to eat (as is the case today), or my brother wants to borrow PS2 games (as is the case today).

I do feel guilty that I'm rarely there, what with work and going over across and all the other incidentals that get in the way, but I remind myself that they also don't often have time to see me either. Not that it's anyone's fault but our own. Work saps a lot of time and energy from everyone, and to be honest, my apartment is the worst place to entertain anyone but myself.

Tonight's plan, after folding three more loads of laundry, is to play poker at Mike's. It's almost semi-weekly now, which is great. I still only win about 10-15% of the time, but it's never about winning when you're hanging out with friends. Also, the wagers are too small to make much of a difference anyway. I tend to try to bluff people (with an intimidating 50-cent bet), but it rarely works. I should fold more often, but there's always -- always -- a chance that my card could come up on the river, so I'm usually in until the end.

As the advice from an anonymous poker star extraordinaire goes, "Only fold if you've got nothing, and you're sure everyone else does too."

Pictures forthcoming tomorrow morning.

Unclean! Unclean!

Day 1 of vacation 2007 -- the cleanup.

My apartment isn't necessarily messy, but it is far from clean. I tend to drop things when and where I finish using them, so there are empty Freezies by my bed, half-glasses of water everywhere, drawers full to overflowing of clothes that I tried on and changed minds about at the last moment before rushing off to work, grocery receipts everywhere, and books scattered everywhere.

Today's goal is to make my apartment liveable again -- nay, even tolerable by some standards! -- leaving tonight free for consumption and prognostication.

Ang blogging. Much much more blogging.

The kitchen table... OF DOOM





I call this "the office."

The end of an era

Way back in the early 00's -- back before "turists," environmental concerns, and the Stanley Cup going going to sub-tropical locales; before bar trivia, gmail, and 10-year high school reunions; before Facebook, iPods, and clicheed lists meant to invoke pathos -- I registered a domain. For free. Along with a bunch of my friends, we managed to register the most obscure and surreal thoughts that passed our minds.

This was before 'old' Blogger, MySpace, and Livejournal, remember.

Half the fun of going in to work was to see what other people were going to post. By "post," I mean "edit the HTML in Notepad at work," since none of us were advanced enough to design a mechanism that allowed us to easily update our domains without getting into the nuts-and-bolts of opening and closing tags.

Now, six years later, my original domain name is about to be released from my control.

Lokiseven.com, and all the notoreity around it, will revert to the nethers from which it came. To be fair, it has only really acted as a mirror to this blog, but it did allow me the opportunity to explain that my e-mail address was madbomber@lokiseven.com -- much to the chagrin of anyone old enough to remember the individual who planted small pipe bombs on PEI in the late '90s.

I can only hope that whoever gains control of it understands the significance of it. Or, like the squatter who registered my other original domain, have no idea whatsoever.

(And yes, for the record, this site is not going away. I just take a long time to post things now.)

Only 15 years old

In a fit of cleaning on par with a whirling dervish of obsessive-compulsion, today I decided to organize the living Jesus out of my apartment. This hasn't been done since I moved in here almost five months ago, so, seeing as it is ungodly cold outside and I have no other place to be until tomorrow, today is a good day to be inside, be clean, and be Scandinavianly organized.

It has been two hours since I started. To date, one large bag of waste, a half-full bag of paper and assorted paper products, and one heaping basket of laundry. There were few casualties up to this point. (Seven mismatched socks, with their mates undoubtedly in the laundry basket. Such is life.) The only quandry was whether or not to keep my favourite socks, of which one had developed a hole in the heel. (Upon deliberation and consultation with Karla, the socks were saved.)

And then, the t-shirt drawers.

I own a lot of t-shirts. Mostly white ones, used as sweat-catchers for other shirts. Most of which were won at various trivia nights in the past five years, and, by extension, freely disposable. Though I have folded three drawers full (which amounts to some twenty-plus shirts), I tend to remember circumstances around them, which makes me want to keep them long after they are no longer practical.

Examples:

- McGill University t-shirt. Purchased on my only trip to Montreal, 1994. Best two weeks that anyone could ask for as a 17-year old.
- .CALM shirt. Bought at Old Orchard Crafts in Burton, NB.
- Etch-a-Sketch Tech Support. Ungodly yellow, too large, but the first item I had ever purchased online.
- "I AM A MOON MONSTER." A green monstrosity purchased during a fit of obession with Sam Brown.

Sadly, there is one but one casualty. Ren and Stimpy's "Gritty Kitty."



If you look closely, you will see that the copyright date is 1992. It was given to me from my aunt Carol for Christmas of that year. Purchased from the It Store in the Champlain Place in Moncton. I haven't worn it in at least three years. The sleeves are ripped at the seams, and Ren & Stimpy aren't old enough to be considered ironically retro yet.

It has served me well in these past fifteen years. But, like many things, its time has come.

Goodbye, dear Gritty Kitty. Your wisdom ("If it doesn't say Gritty Kitty, it stinks!") will live on for the ages.

Easy coolness test

If you're ever in a situation where you're not sure if another person is worthy of friendship, administer this simple test.

Say the following: "You don't win friends with salad!"

If they repeat that line with a conga beat, or possibly start a conga line, then this person is definitely worth knowing.

Other than that, you're on your own.

Is it a question, or is it a joke?

Q: What do you call a writer who doesn't write?





A: Employed.

Well... It made me laugh...

One hundred things I've learned in three months

1) I look decent with long hair.

2) I have a proto-mullet with wings.

3) My camera has been broken for two months now.

4) Hardwood floors are cold.

5) If I didn't call the electric company to say I haven't been billed, chances are I wouldn't have to pay for electricity.

6) Likewise, if I didn't call Aliant and order internet for myself, I could quite easily subsist on freely-available wireless networks.

7) I am not a cook.

8) My apple crisp tastes suspiciously like oatmeal with apples and extra brown sugar.

9) I haven't had pancakes in over three months.

10) I drink a lot of milk.

11) Garbage sorting is more confusing than necessary.

12) With YouTube, no one needs cable.

13) I own a lot of clothes.

14) If you wait long enough, any apartment can be furnished for free.

15) Trivia is becoming a secondary challenge -- who can text faster than the other table?

16) I am a shitty, shitty trivia host.

17) As a redhead, I instantly have three potential Hallowe'en costumes: Snake from Degrassi (add a Hawaiian shirt, tapered jeans, and a shirt that says "Zit Remedy"); Archie from... well... the Archies (add a letter jacket and a tic-tac-toe sign); or Fry from Futurama (add a red jacket with a white shirt).

18) This year: Fry.

19) Next year: I'll be too old to get dressed up.

20) My best ideas come when I am drunk and/or hung over.

21) I only drink at most twice a week now.

22) I have had two bottles of wine, four beer, and a half of a quart of rum in my fridge for over a month without touching them.

23) Antigonish is an awesome town.

24) If you leave wet dishes on the counter long enough, they dry automatically.

25) If you leave dirty dishes on the counter long enough, you invent mold.

26) I listen to too much local radio.

27) I miss Compass. And The Guardian. And The Buzz.

28) My spelling has become atrocious.

29) The only book I have read was a horribly-written treatise on milleniallism in America that I purchased in a quaint New England bookstore.

30) I have only written one short story this year.

31) The Trailer Park Boys: The Movie was quite funny, but sad at the same time.

32) I have awesome friends.

33) I have powerful enemies.

34) Karla is an amazing girlfriend who I love very, very much.

35) I hardly e-mail (or get e-mailed) any more.

36) I haven't seen my brother and his wife in over a month.

37) I am an adequate poker player.

38) I'm passing off a list of vague generalities as content for this blog.

39) I came up with this idea when I was hung over.

40) I've been working on this list for three weeks now.

41) Curtains aren't necessary if you're never in another room.

42) I can go three weeks without doing laundry and not wear the same shirt twice.

43) Pants, however, are rotated regularly.

44) I am completely ignorant of cars. Especially my car.

45) Given the chance, I would take English courses again in a heartbeat.

46) Given the same chance, I would find a second job and work part-time.

47) I don't have enough free time as it is, so I feel like I might as well work now while I can.

48) Professor Gerald Wandio's quote on this type of situation: "My father always said if you have any time to kill, work it to death."

49) Toaster ovens are completely unnecessary if you already have a toaster and an oven.

50) Except for two bills, I have yet to receive any personally-addressed mail at my apartment in three months.

51) Going back even further, I have never received personally-addressed mail at my previous apartment in over two years.

52) I used to be smart. Now I realize I'm just well-known.

53) I need to be meaner.

54) I miss writing groups.

55) I miss my pseudo-Bohemian lifestyle (2001-2003).

56) I have running jokes with all twenty of my agents.

57) Lists are lame.

58) Moose are terrifying.

59) When I get drunk, I should shut up and go home.

60) I should drink wine on a more frequent basis.

61) I work too much.

62) Not only am I the oldest, but I am also the only male Team Manager at work.

63) Outside of work, I think about work too much.

64) I am very, very self-concious about body odor. If I smell, please tell me, as I can't tell myself.

65) When I get sick, the world stops.

66) Chicken fingers and potatoes are a fine meal.

67) Pasta + tuna + peas = casserole.

68) My current favourite shirt cost $8 at American Eagle. Now the arms have shrunk.

69) I need new shoes.

70) I'm essentially a homebody.

71) Is there a line between "homebody" and "hermit?"

72) If I don't work on a given day, I will take multiple naps in the middle of the day.

73) 70's freedom rock is great.

74) Panic! At the Disco is the funniest band name I have heard since Toad the Wet Sprocket.

75) This list was supposed to be 75 items long, but it is being extended.

76) I'm undecided on The Burning Crusade.

77) I didn't vote in Charlottetown's municipal elections.

78) I don't have time to be interested in local politics.

79) Labour Day 2006 is the first time in four years that I did not write a novel in three days.

80) I miss my university days.

81) Everyone my age is much more accomplished than I am. And I've done a lot.

82) No, really, I mean a whole lot. My resume makes me look fantastic.

83) I do not respond to being yelled at. By anyone. For any reason. So don't do it.

84) I get the feeling I'm going to be a footnote in a lot of important people's lives.

85) Despite my reputation as being "the smart one" in the family, my sister will soon have more education than me.

86) Despite me being the eldest in the family, my brother is much more mature. Tattoos notwithstanding.

87) No two people spell Christmahannukwanzikah the same way.

88) In the span of an hour, I can get 30 work-related e-mails.

89) I'll also get the same number of spam messages in my gmail.com account.

90) I'm easy to get along with.

91) My reputation precedes me.

92) That is often not a positive thing.

93) Raymond Carver taught me that big words are nice, but big ideas are better.

94) I like my bangs.

95) The Smashing Pumpkins' new album better not suck.

96) The best comeback ever is "So's your face."

97) I dread Christmas this year.

98) Woodstock is a long way away.

99) I haven't watched a full hockey game in over two years.

100) One hundred things about me is enough. I have stuff to do.