New Attempts at Failure

I am

2008-03-29T01:00:00.002-03:00

I am the following things.

I am tired, yet restless.

I am working in exactly 9 hours from when I started typing this sentence.

I am eating too much, and cycling too little.

I am someone who buys a pound of bacon, eats half of it, and forgets the rest in the back of the fridge, only to buy another pound of bacon and repeat this process.

I am going to do laundry tomorrow if it kills me.

I am going to Boston in a few days, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I'm there.

I am not looking for another job, but should be looking for another car and apartment.

I am the guy who sat behind you in grade 11 math class, who you didn't notice, but remembers when you got your hair cut before prom.

I am still trying to make that last sentence into a decent poem. It's been almost 6 years now.

I am not going to buy an XBox 360, despite my friends' best efforts.

I am more comfortable in dress shirts and sweaters than I am in t-shirts.

I am Sizzlak, Kalzzis, Minnietaur, and others.

I am dealing with a sense of dread and regret whenever I drink too much.

I am anxious to return to Europe in the near future.

I am destined to be a footnote to those around me.

I am jealous that my sister is in Egypt, and that I'm stuck here holding down a steady job.

I am unable to bend my right wrist as far back as my left one since I used to to break my fall over a month ago.

I am able to go an entire day without speaking aloud to anyone.

I am 31 years old, but I live like a 21 year old, and the worries of a 51 year old.

I am eternally grateful for my friends. All of them. Even the ones that I don't see, or hear from on a regular basis, or who live in different cities, coasts, countries, or continents.

I am somehow getting worse at hockey than I was earlier in the season.

I am extremely particular about the clothes I wear, especially sweaters: no fitted cuffs, no fitted bottoms, no V-necks, no wide/scoop necks, no patterns aside from stripes.

I am saddened that I left my education behind me.

I am wishing I went to the drug store this afternoon.

I am unable to drive a standard, change a tire, or fix my damn windshield wipers.

I am dusty and rusty, and living in a state of suspended animation in my apartment.

I am going to try to post on this blog more often.

I am -- no, really, I am!

I am uneasy at saying "No" to people, situations, or opinions.

I am amazed at how Owen looks like a generic Gillespie -- or will, as soon as his hair comes in fully.

I am queasy when I finish a sentence with a preposition.

I am more cultured than most people would know.

I am often embarassed about my behaviour.

I am going to sleep now, because I want to wake up early, eat pastries, and get to work on time.

The joy and trouble of division

2007-12-29T23:05:00.000-04:00

Learning long-form division in school confused me.

Take something, and divide it equally. If it doesn't fit the prescribed amount wanted, it's a remainder. "But," I argued, "why can't the remainder be shared?"

"It's not enough, so it's a remainder."

I later learned about decimals, which cleared my conscience.

I've gone on record many, many times saying that I don't like math... but there is a certain poetry to the terminology used.

In real life, there are many remainders that can't be expressed as numbers.

Travelogue: Paris

2007-10-03T11:46:00.000-03:00

The highlight of Vacation '07 was obviously my first sojourn to Paris.

Having been planned for over three months, and meticulously scheduled by my partner-in-rhyme K-, my first European visit involved: numerous medieval churches; ancient artifacts in museums; dizzying heights of high fashion; about 50 km of walking; an uncountable number of pastries (specifically chaussons aux pommes); only two glasses of wine; 580 pictures, of which I may be happy with 100; solving the mystery of The Code; late-night trips up a winding staircase to use the WC; and sightings of a mime, a marionette, a beret, numerous baguettes, and une bicyclette avec une panier.

Photographic evidence can be found here, broken into easily-identifiable sites and events.

If anyone has any suggestions on a program that allows me to comment on photos in galleries, let me know, since I know, sadly, that I will confuse at least half of the church pictures very soon.

Family, Friends, and Folding

2007-09-15T18:17:00.000-03:00

Vacation '07, day 2.

I don't spend nearly enough time with my family.

When I do, it is usually for a purpose. Either their computer isn't working (as is the case today), or I have laundry to do (as is the case today), or they want to go out to eat (as is the case today), or my brother wants to borrow PS2 games (as is the case today).

I do feel guilty that I'm rarely there, what with work and going over across and all the other incidentals that get in the way, but I remind myself that they also don't often have time to see me either. Not that it's anyone's fault but our own. Work saps a lot of time and energy from everyone, and to be honest, my apartment is the worst place to entertain anyone but myself.

Tonight's plan, after folding three more loads of laundry, is to play poker at Mike's. It's almost semi-weekly now, which is great. I still only win about 10-15% of the time, but it's never about winning when you're hanging out with friends. Also, the wagers are too small to make much of a difference anyway. I tend to try to bluff people (with an intimidating 50-cent bet), but it rarely works. I should fold more often, but there's always -- always -- a chance that my card could come up on the river, so I'm usually in until the end.

As the advice from an anonymous poker star extraordinaire goes, "Only fold if you've got nothing, and you're sure everyone else does too."

Pictures forthcoming tomorrow morning.

Unclean! Unclean!

2007-09-14T15:38:00.000-03:00

Day 1 of vacation 2007 -- the cleanup.

My apartment isn't necessarily messy, but it is far from clean. I tend to drop things when and where I finish using them, so there are empty Freezies by my bed, half-glasses of water everywhere, drawers full to overflowing of clothes that I tried on and changed minds about at the last moment before rushing off to work, grocery receipts everywhere, and books scattered everywhere.

Today's goal is to make my apartment liveable again -- nay, even tolerable by some standards! -- leaving tonight free for consumption and prognostication.

Ang blogging. Much much more blogging.

The kitchen table... OF DOOM

I call this "the office."

The end of an era

2007-05-30T22:26:00.000-03:00

Way back in the early 00's -- back before "turists," environmental concerns, and the Stanley Cup going going to sub-tropical locales; before bar trivia, gmail, and 10-year high school reunions; before Facebook, iPods, and clicheed lists meant to invoke pathos -- I registered a domain. For free. Along with a bunch of my friends, we managed to register the most obscure and surreal thoughts that passed our minds.

This was before 'old' Blogger, MySpace, and Livejournal, remember.

Half the fun of going in to work was to see what other people were going to post. By "post," I mean "edit the HTML in Notepad at work," since none of us were advanced enough to design a mechanism that allowed us to easily update our domains without getting into the nuts-and-bolts of opening and closing tags.

Now, six years later, my original domain name is about to be released from my control.

Lokiseven.com, and all the notoreity around it, will revert to the nethers from which it came. To be fair, it has only really acted as a mirror to this blog, but it did allow me the opportunity to explain that my e-mail address was madbomber@lokiseven.com -- much to the chagrin of anyone old enough to remember the individual who planted small pipe bombs on PEI in the late '90s.

I can only hope that whoever gains control of it understands the significance of it. Or, like the squatter who registered my other original domain, have no idea whatsoever.

(And yes, for the record, this site is not going away. I just take a long time to post things now.)

Only 15 years old

2007-01-21T15:18:00.000-04:00

In a fit of cleaning on par with a whirling dervish of obsessive-compulsion, today I decided to organize the living Jesus out of my apartment. This hasn't been done since I moved in here almost five months ago, so, seeing as it is ungodly cold outside and I have no other place to be until tomorrow, today is a good day to be inside, be clean, and be Scandinavianly organized.

It has been two hours since I started. To date, one large bag of waste, a half-full bag of paper and assorted paper products, and one heaping basket of laundry. There were few casualties up to this point. (Seven mismatched socks, with their mates undoubtedly in the laundry basket. Such is life.) The only quandry was whether or not to keep my favourite socks, of which one had developed a hole in the heel. (Upon deliberation and consultation with Karla, the socks were saved.)

And then, the t-shirt drawers.

I own a lot of t-shirts. Mostly white ones, used as sweat-catchers for other shirts. Most of which were won at various trivia nights in the past five years, and, by extension, freely disposable. Though I have folded three drawers full (which amounts to some twenty-plus shirts), I tend to remember circumstances around them, which makes me want to keep them long after they are no longer practical.

Examples:

- McGill University t-shirt. Purchased on my only trip to Montreal, 1994. Best two weeks that anyone could ask for as a 17-year old.
- .CALM shirt. Bought at Old Orchard Crafts in Burton, NB.
- Etch-a-Sketch Tech Support. Ungodly yellow, too large, but the first item I had ever purchased online.
- "I AM A MOON MONSTER." A green monstrosity purchased during a fit of obession with Sam Brown.

Sadly, there is one but one casualty. Ren and Stimpy's "Gritty Kitty."

If you look closely, you will see that the copyright date is 1992. It was given to me from my aunt Carol for Christmas of that year. Purchased from the It Store in the Champlain Place in Moncton. I haven't worn it in at least three years. The sleeves are ripped at the seams, and Ren & Stimpy aren't old enough to be considered ironically retro yet.

It has served me well in these past fifteen years. But, like many things, its time has come.

Goodbye, dear Gritty Kitty. Your wisdom ("If it doesn't say Gritty Kitty, it stinks!") will live on for the ages.

Easy coolness test

2007-01-19T09:02:00.000-04:00

If you're ever in a situation where you're not sure if another person is worthy of friendship, administer this simple test.

Say the following: "You don't win friends with salad!"

If they repeat that line with a conga beat, or possibly start a conga line, then this person is definitely worth knowing.

Other than that, you're on your own.

Is it a question, or is it a joke?

2006-11-09T02:12:00.000-04:00

Q: What do you call a writer who doesn't write?

A: Employed.

Well... It made me laugh...

One hundred things I've learned in three months

2006-11-07T16:39:00.000-04:00

1) I look decent with long hair.

2) I have a proto-mullet with wings.

3) My camera has been broken for two months now.

4) Hardwood floors are cold.

5) If I didn't call the electric company to say I haven't been billed, chances are I wouldn't have to pay for electricity.

6) Likewise, if I didn't call Aliant and order internet for myself, I could quite easily subsist on freely-available wireless networks.

7) I am not a cook.

8) My apple crisp tastes suspiciously like oatmeal with apples and extra brown sugar.

9) I haven't had pancakes in over three months.

10) I drink a lot of milk.

11) Garbage sorting is more confusing than necessary.

12) With YouTube, no one needs cable.

13) I own a lot of clothes.

14) If you wait long enough, any apartment can be furnished for free.

15) Trivia is becoming a secondary challenge -- who can text faster than the other table?

16) I am a shitty, shitty trivia host.

17) As a redhead, I instantly have three potential Hallowe'en costumes: Snake from Degrassi (add a Hawaiian shirt, tapered jeans, and a shirt that says "Zit Remedy"); Archie from... well... the Archies (add a letter jacket and a tic-tac-toe sign); or Fry from Futurama (add a red jacket with a white shirt).

18) This year: Fry.

19) Next year: I'll be too old to get dressed up.

20) My best ideas come when I am drunk and/or hung over.

21) I only drink at most twice a week now.

22) I have had two bottles of wine, four beer, and a half of a quart of rum in my fridge for over a month without touching them.

23) Antigonish is an awesome town.

24) If you leave wet dishes on the counter long enough, they dry automatically.

25) If you leave dirty dishes on the counter long enough, you invent mold.

26) I listen to too much local radio.

27) I miss Compass. And The Guardian. And The Buzz.

28) My spelling has become atrocious.

29) The only book I have read was a horribly-written treatise on milleniallism in America that I purchased in a quaint New England bookstore.

30) I have only written one short story this year.

31) The Trailer Park Boys: The Movie was quite funny, but sad at the same time.

32) I have awesome friends.

33) I have powerful enemies.

34) Karla is an amazing girlfriend who I love very, very much.

35) I hardly e-mail (or get e-mailed) any more.

36) I haven't seen my brother and his wife in over a month.

37) I am an adequate poker player.

38) I'm passing off a list of vague generalities as content for this blog.

39) I came up with this idea when I was hung over.

40) I've been working on this list for three weeks now.

41) Curtains aren't necessary if you're never in another room.

42) I can go three weeks without doing laundry and not wear the same shirt twice.

43) Pants, however, are rotated regularly.

44) I am completely ignorant of cars. Especially my car.

45) Given the chance, I would take English courses again in a heartbeat.

46) Given the same chance, I would find a second job and work part-time.

47) I don't have enough free time as it is, so I feel like I might as well work now while I can.

48) Professor Gerald Wandio's quote on this type of situation: "My father always said if you have any time to kill, work it to death."

49) Toaster ovens are completely unnecessary if you already have a toaster and an oven.

50) Except for two bills, I have yet to receive any personally-addressed mail at my apartment in three months.

51) Going back even further, I have never received personally-addressed mail at my previous apartment in over two years.

52) I used to be smart. Now I realize I'm just well-known.

53) I need to be meaner.

54) I miss writing groups.

55) I miss my pseudo-Bohemian lifestyle (2001-2003).

56) I have running jokes with all twenty of my agents.

57) Lists are lame.

58) Moose are terrifying.

59) When I get drunk, I should shut up and go home.

60) I should drink wine on a more frequent basis.

61) I work too much.

62) Not only am I the oldest, but I am also the only male Team Manager at work.

63) Outside of work, I think about work too much.

64) I am very, very self-concious about body odor. If I smell, please tell me, as I can't tell myself.

65) When I get sick, the world stops.

66) Chicken fingers and potatoes are a fine meal.

67) Pasta + tuna + peas = casserole.

68) My current favourite shirt cost $8 at American Eagle. Now the arms have shrunk.

69) I need new shoes.

70) I'm essentially a homebody.

71) Is there a line between "homebody" and "hermit?"

72) If I don't work on a given day, I will take multiple naps in the middle of the day.

73) 70's freedom rock is great.

74) Panic! At the Disco is the funniest band name I have heard since Toad the Wet Sprocket.

75) This list was supposed to be 75 items long, but it is being extended.

76) I'm undecided on The Burning Crusade.

77) I didn't vote in Charlottetown's municipal elections.

78) I don't have time to be interested in local politics.

79) Labour Day 2006 is the first time in four years that I did not write a novel in three days.

80) I miss my university days.

81) Everyone my age is much more accomplished than I am. And I've done a lot.

82) No, really, I mean a whole lot. My resume makes me look fantastic.

83) I do not respond to being yelled at. By anyone. For any reason. So don't do it.

84) I get the feeling I'm going to be a footnote in a lot of important people's lives.

85) Despite my reputation as being "the smart one" in the family, my sister will soon have more education than me.

86) Despite me being the eldest in the family, my brother is much more mature. Tattoos notwithstanding.

87) No two people spell Christmahannukwanzikah the same way.

88) In the span of an hour, I can get 30 work-related e-mails.

89) I'll also get the same number of spam messages in my gmail.com account.

90) I'm easy to get along with.

91) My reputation precedes me.

92) That is often not a positive thing.

93) Raymond Carver taught me that big words are nice, but big ideas are better.

94) I like my bangs.

95) The Smashing Pumpkins' new album better not suck.

96) The best comeback ever is "So's your face."

97) I dread Christmas this year.

98) Woodstock is a long way away.

99) I haven't watched a full hockey game in over two years.

100) One hundred things about me is enough. I have stuff to do.

Trivia Season '06-'07

2006-09-06T17:16:00.000-03:00

The official kickoff to the new trivia season starts tonight with Wave trivia.

Be there... like... 8-ish, apparently.

I'm keeping a scorecard of my prize winning this year. I'll track the value of bar tabs, random prizes, beer pitchers, and beer questions won either personally or by members of my team.

Speaking of which, I'm always looking for new people to show up and share the loot. My trivia schedule is dependant on my work schedule, but I'm going to do my best to go to as many as I can. Here's a rough schedule, with mad props to The Buzz Online:

Sunday -- Hunter's music trivia
Tuesday -- 42nd Street / Churchill Arms
Wednesday -- Smuggler's Jug / The Wave
Thursday -- Hunter's

If you were at Hunter's on Sunday, you'd have seen the preview of what is to come: winning, and plenty of it.

The tally so far: $40 in bar tabs and one free beer -- and it was only me and Karla on the team.

Can you say "Trivia ringers?"

Mellow, Jolly, and the Infinite Radness

2006-09-06T16:29:00.000-03:00

As of 11 AM this morning, I officially have a home.

My couch was delivered, meaning that I can now, well, live in my living room as opposed to living exclusively in my bedroom.

There are some loose ends to tie up, such as a lack of proper internet access and the hearty yet musky smell of tobacco in some closets, but aside from those details, all is well in the land of joelg.

(And, yes, I'm eventually going to have people over. As soon as I get to know my neighbours, as there are children in my building, and does not have the 'party-friendly' environment that Brown's Court exudes. Gimme a week or so.)

The district sleeps alone tonight

2006-08-12T22:58:00.000-03:00

I'm emptying out my apartment.

I'm not sure where I'm going to be in two weeks' time.

Apartments are notoriously tricky on PEI. The best ones I've seen weren't advertised. The worst ones had different ads and phone numbers every week.

If I was a lesser writer, I'd go on about the poignancy of each day. How much I've changed since September 2004. How "one chapter ends, another begins."

But no. What I'm noticing is mundane. "Well, this is the last time I'll ever make pancakes with raisins in Brown's Court." "I guess that was the last load of laundry I'll do in this apartment." "This will -- hopefully -- be the last time I load and unload the dishwasher before I'm gone."

Two years is a long time to live in an extended university dorm when you're a) not in school, b) have a job bordering on a career, and c) can afford much, much better, and only stayed in the vague hope of having more fun than any other place.

Right now, I'm hearing My Humps for the fourth time on repeat. It was embarassing the first time I heard it, and it's not getting much better.

I've become a grown-up before I even noticed.

Now get the hell off my lawn before I call the cops.

Loco Unlimited

2006-08-11T12:34:00.000-03:00

Two new things to post:

1) The OLS boat cruise pictures. I know, I'm surprised they were uploaded so fast too.

2) Poker @ my place. This is how I'm going to remember my stay Brown's Court.

That is all.

Poker @ 531C University Ave!

2006-07-31T14:37:00.000-03:00

If you're reading this, then you're invited to poker & festivities at 531C University Avenue ('New' Brown's Court).

WHAT: Poker, drinking, food, random people that I know from work, school, other people, bars, or what have you.

WHEN: This Saturday, August 5^th. Poker will start around 8-ish or so, and will continue until we have pokered all we can.

WHAT TO BRING: BYOB. Also, please bring chairs. I have four; I really hope more than three other people show up. So if you can bring chairs/stools/benches/whatever, that'd make for a much more comfortable night.

WHO: Everyone and anyone who wants to show up is welcome.

If there are any questions for directions or the like, e-mail me at joelg2.0@gmail.com, or call 393-8416.

Flame Retarded

2006-07-26T12:56:00.000-03:00

Once a year there is an event that cannot be explained, but only experienced.

The place: Rocky Point, PEI.

The people: whoever shows up.

The weather: almost always great.

The event: BIG BURN.

As the last of the "catching up" posts for today, I present Big Burn 2k6.

Also included: Dennis has a bad feeling about this...

(Because YouTube messes up my layout, I'm removing them from here for the time being.)

Pool Night? Nope. Liam Night.

2006-07-26T12:24:00.000-03:00

So, last week I went to the bi-weekly OLS pool night to socialize and perhaps have a wobbly pop or two.

It turned out to be a "Let's see how many pictures Liam can jump into at the last minute."

But I'm cool with that. He bought me two Junior McChickens at McDonalds, and even ordered extra sweet & sour sauce for me.

We're cool now.

A wedding is the process of removing weeds from one's garden

2006-07-26T11:13:00.000-03:00

Anyone who knows me or my family well should know that my brother recently got married three weeks ago.

Yes, there are plenty of pictures to show.

STEP 1: DRINKING

But before that... the stag party!

If you're wondering where Gumby is for most of these pictures, he's throwing up.

No... seriously. He is.

And if you're wondering where I am, well, I was at work for the fishing, and drinking during the rest of it.

STEP 2: EATING

Just about everyone went to eat lobster the day before. I was -- and remain -- fascinated about how Karla can completely and utterly destroy a lobster. I swear she was chewing the shells just in case she missed some meat.

STEP 3: THE BIG SHOW

In an unusual move for me, I'm posting every picture that I took. Yes, every single one. Even the ones where I'm sweating, or drunk, or sweaty and drunk. They're all right here.

Of all the weddings I've been to, this was the shortest, the hottest (thanks to the all-black suits), and, obviously, the most personal. Way to go, you two!

STEP 4: EATING AND DRINKING AGAIN!

Again, most every picture I have of thie event is online. Everything went exactly as everyone had hoped, with no surprises along the way.

The things that didn't get captured on camera:

-Vinny getting the hook after a rambling reception speech that might still be going on
-My wedding speech that went over a few heads. (Here's a hint -- know your audience. Simpsons quotes only work for the under-thirty crowd.)
-Racking up a $100 bar tab at a hotel bar... Meaning that I probably had five drinks.

All in all though, it was a great day. Seriously. How can you look at this picture and say anything else?

Road trip!

2006-07-26T10:48:00.000-03:00

So, one day when I was visiting my girlfriend Karla in Moncton, she said "Hey -- I'm taking a new job in a town two hours away. Why don't we go there and make fun of people?"

It wasn't exactly like that. But we decided to drive there anyway to look at apartments.

For the record, she took an apartment in the same building as the one with the pink bathroom.

Also, we're still going out, and she's working her way to the top in her new job.

Poker @ Tom's

2006-07-26T10:16:00.000-03:00

Tom McCrae & I have worked together at OLS for years. Literally -- years. I remember asking him a whole lot of questions when I started there, and he was always willing (and occasionally able) to help me out.

Well, last month, he finally pulled up his stakes on PEI. Quit his job and moved up to Ontario to be with the rest of his family. To celebrate, and as a "bon voyage" get-together, we all went over to his apartment and played poker.

A grand time was had by all.

Also, he sold much of his furniture that night to his drunken friends.

Haven't heard from him since he moved, but I can only assume the following:

a) He still goes for walks on his breaks.
b) He still has his jacket on about 22 hours of the day.
c) He can still out-drink anyone I know.

A good ol' fashioned barn smashin'

2006-07-26T09:31:00.000-03:00

One of the best times this year was at my brother's new house.

Yes, he owns a house. He's also younger than me.

Anyway, on his lot, there is an old, dilapidated barn that had only three walls to begin with, and was home to many bats, birds, and creepy-crawly things.

In short -- it had to come down.

That's where his friends come in.

A dozen or so people + beer + plus weapons of barn destruction = AWESOME!!!!

And, the video everyone wanted to see -- my brother running into a barn with a pole. Enjoy!

For more destruction and mayhem, go to my YouTube profile page.

(Because YouTube messes up my layout, I'm removing them from here for the time being.)

Back!

2006-07-26T08:43:00.000-03:00

OK, so, my FTP server has been down for about a month and a half. Apparently it's more stable or more faster or provides pictures that are 12.7% more awesome or something... I'm not sure.

What I am sure of is that I've got two months' worth of pictures to share!

First... OLS Golf 2006.

I've had so many people asking about these legendary pictures that I am happy to finally post them. (In other words, I have them up now, so stop bugging me cbirt!)

(Because YouTube messes up my layout, I'm removing them from here for the time being.)

Brand new!

2006-05-15T23:54:00.000-03:00

"He's got a job where he works h-core." -- Erin to me, talking about Layton's eight to four job.

"Beware the Chinese Heat!" -- home-grown Engrish from the newly-remodeled International Restaurant.

"Blog that, Joel." -- Lennie to me during trivia. There you go -- you happy now?

"Your company is not help." -- work-related correspondance.

Ever?

2006-05-15T23:50:00.000-03:00

Ever crash a pubcrawl?

Ever hit several bars in rapid succession?

Ever win two seperate trivias in the span of two hours?

Ever run into people you know or haven't seen for months in rapid succession?

Then you know what kind of night last Wednesday was.

Status update

2006-05-10T11:34:00.000-03:00

Sometime between the hours of noon and 9:00 PM Atlantic Standard Time, the subs were removed.

Thrown in the garbage?

Placed back in the freezer?

Sliced to make delicious subs?

Called back to their home planet?

The world will never know for certain.